Before I Die

The other day on Ellen, they reran an episode which was recorded in Central Park in front of 10,000 people. Ellen said that doing an episode in Central Park for 10,000 had been on her list of things she wanted to do before she died and she congratulated herself on accomplishing her goal. This of course, made me wonder what things I have on my to do list.

I was raised to believe strongly in goal setting. I love setting goals. I've set so many goals in my life, its crazy. And I've even accomplished some of them. But the goals that I was taught to set are boring compared to Ellen's goal. I try to be a kinder, more responsible, more attractive person. I make goals to keep my room clean, or to be on time to work. Important things, but not very exciting. I don't know if I've ever set a fun goal. So I decided to try it. Here's my list of life experiences I want to have before I die:

• Spend at least one continuous month outside of the United States
• See Paris
• Spend some time in Venice
• Win a race
• Have a baby
  
• Publish something

That's all I have for now, but I'm sure Ellen didn't start out with the Central Park thing on her list. Hopefully in five years I'll be able to add some more amazing things to mine.

I'm Alive

Have you ever read Dandelion Wine? It's not really that great, except for two things:

• It has a great sense of nostalgia, and does a great job of recalling the wonder of childhood.
• The first or second chapter has a beautiful passage where the boy (young Ray Bradbury) is playing outside on a lovely day in early summer and all of the sudden he discovers self-awareness and declares "I'm really alive!

The second thing is what I want to talk about. I love the idea of appreciating life like that. It reminds me of a time in high school when Brent's friend was depressed and asked him what there was to be happy about in life. He told her that she should be happy because she was a child of God and she responded, "but everyone is." I don't know what he said to her then, but when he told me about the conversation I said, "yeah, everyone is a child of God, but the thing to be happy about is that you know you're a child of God." It is the awareness of it that makes the thing special. Being alive is a mixed bag, but being aware of your aliveness always feels great.

There was a storm tonight, which is pretty rare in these parts. I sat outside and watched the lightening and felt that cool feeling when the air is just barely colder than comfortable, so that your body doesn't habituate to it and you become completely aware that your skin is touching the world. I love that I'm a part of the world and that I get to have a piece of the human experience. Sometimes in the back of my mind I question if my life has enough of a purpose. Sitting outside I tonight, I thought that just being alive is enough.

Sorry that I'm not a better writer and can't express these thoughts without melodrama.

Greatest Books of All Time

Since I read a lot of books, I'm always interested in other peoples' recommendations. I came across this list which I thought was interesting. I currently have read nine of the 100 books. Of the top 10, I have completed three, and attempted and failed with three others. Following the advice of the list, I recently read Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh (a man). The best thing about the book is the use of language. The writing is some of the best I've ever read. Just reading random sentences from it is fun because Waugh is amazing at creating original metaphors. It also has some interesting thoughts on religion, social duty, and relationships.

The Island

I watched The Island today. It's directed by the same person (Michael Bay) who did Transformers, and I had assumed, incorrectly, Con Air. It has some great scenes of wanton destruction that reminded me of that movie. Its one of those movies where you have to ignore all of the improbable or impossible events in order to enjoy it, but if you are able to do that, this is a really fun movie. It's just a bit too long, but totally worth watching.

Thou Shalt Not Lie

In memory of Ms. Bodily, who is not dead.

Back in high school I read a short story called Miss Brill. It's pretty short, so if you want to read it quick, click the link. Otherwise, I'll summarize that its about an old lady who dresses up and goes to the park every Sunday afternoon. She sits and listens to other peoples conversations and imagines herself to be an integral part of the scene until she overhears a young couple laughing at her appearance and insinuating that she's just in the way.

The story suggests that it is very easy to imagine an alternate reality where life is a little more the way we wish it was, but by focusing only on our ideal world, we isolate ourselves from the real world. I thought of this story because I've been sort of falling into my imagination lately. I've always done a lot of imaging about the future and about what people are thinking about me. My current life doesn't offer enough excitement so I fantasize that someday I'll have a real job, or an acceptable boyfriend. I even fantasize that people read my blog. I've done this sort of thing since I was very young and I think I do a pretty good job of keeping a grip on reality. The danger is though, that if I am too comfortable with my fantasies, I don't focus enough on making reality comfortable. So maybe I should be cleaning my room instead of writing this. Good night adoring readers!

The Five Best Things About Lists

1. No writing skills necessary: you don't need sentence structure, transitions, even punctuation is superfluous!
2. They help you to remember things. Even if you don't actually write the list, just think of a group of things as a list and give them each a number. Try it!
3. Helps you organize your thoughts quickly.
4. They're very useful in prioritizing
5. They help me get things done

Because i am famously distractable I use lists to keep me on track for getting the things I need to done. I developed a method for cutting my shower time from 20 minutes to five minutes simply by always keeping a list in my head of what I need to do next. I call it the 1-2-3 method. I keep a running list of the next three things I need to do. As I complete one task, I add a new task to the end of the list. I find the method works well for accomplishing any thing you either might rather not do, or just get distracted from doing quickly. I love little behavioral modification tricks like this because they make me feel like a well-managed problem child. Which is much better than feeling like an unmanaged problem child.

Movie Review and a Book Too!

Tonight I saw Evening. It was not a good movie, but I really enjoyed it. The story didn't really add up to anything, but it wasn't boring and there were parts that had an emotional impact. If you are female and don't expect too much from it, I bet you'll like it. I'm kind of a sucker for frame stories where we see a character now and in the past. This movie is trying to say something about the meaning of life which is a little too ambitious, but I'm glad it tried.

Earlier today I completed an abridged recording of DH Lawrence's Sons and Lovers. It was published in 1913 when the author was still in his 20's. The writing was excellent but what I was particularly impressed by was how relatable the whole thing was. The book is about a son's relationships first with his mother, and later with a couple of women. The first part is far more interesting. Lawrence does a great job explaining how a marriage goes bad, how the mother comes to have an unhealthy reliance on her son, and how the son balances (or fails to balance) his mother's needs with his own. I just decided to develop a somewhat complex rating system for books involving three parts: use of language, story, and emotional impact. All categories are on a ten point scale. I give this book a 9, 7, 5 and recommend it to panyone who appreciates excellent character development.

Movie Reviews: Maria Full of Grace, 1408, Dark Water (Japanese Version)

I've seen a few movies lately that I thought I'd write a quick note about.

Maria Full of Grace: I really enjoyed this movie. It's a Spanish language film, (although the director is American) about a Columbian girl who becomes a drug mule. I thought the movie did a great job of giving you a sense of what life in South America is like and of making the drug trade seem human without being too sympathetic. The characters are very well developed and the story was engaging. Don't do drugs.

Dark Water (Japanese Version): Not the greatest. Scary, but for most of the movie, only in a manipulative way. Great acting. Not enough really happened.

1408: I have to confess that I didn't really watch all of this movie because there were many times when I had to hide my face in my sweater. I was really scared. Its adapted from a short story so in order to stretch it out a little and to add a little meaningfulness, the main character was given a dead child and an estranged wife. I liked this background story and I think its possible that the movie was trying to say something about faith and hope. Since its not completely clear what it was trying to say, I guess it didn't do a great job with that, but I still liked that it tried. Good, but not great stuff.

Did I get prettier?

Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? If you're like me your answer has little to do with your general appearance, but rather is dependent on how recently you took a shower and whether or not you've done your hair. I really don't think that an individual can determine their own attractiveness based on what they see in the mirror. You've been looking at yourself for so long that you can only judge your relative appearance- but not relative to the general population, simply relative to your appearance the day before. While you can rapidly identify if your eyes are slightly puffier than normal, a mirror can't tell you how attractive you are.

So instead, we must rely on the comments and reactions our appearance receives from others. If you happen to be surrounded by people who make effusive compliments, chances are you'll think you're pretty hot. And we've all heard about oblivious husbands who make their wives feel ugly just because they don't notice the new highlights or the professionally shaped eyebrows. People need external cues in order to know they are attractive. The problem is determining how various cues should be interpreted. Obviously a compliment from your grandmother about how great you look in the sweater she knitted you should be given less weight. But how do you interpret more bizarre feedback like strangers staring at you, or walmart employees asking you out? It could be that you're amazingly hot, but is it more likely that you just have something on your face, or for some reason you seem really easy?

I've recently had a rash of strange cues about my appearance. In the last two weeks I've had two complete strangers stop me to tell me how pretty I was. I've also been hit on every time I went to the library (twice). Two of the cooks at Mimi's ask me out every time I work. And lastly, there was the walmart employee. These experiences have caused me to wonder if I've suddenly become more attractive or if somehow I've started sending out vibes of desperation. Really I think all of these experiences can be easily explained away, and they've made my life more interesting though also more awkward.

I think the real problem is that I try to interpret every experience as a comment on my appearance. I think if you are looking, you can find evidence to support any belief you have about your own attractiveness. The study of your own attractiveness will inevitably be marred by bias. So what's the point? I'm pretty sure that everyone's life is optimized by a belief that they are reasonably, though not exceptionally, attractive. Plus, such a belief will motivate you to shower and do your hair. But whether or not this belief is grossly false, everyone's appearance is improved by modest confidence.

Thou Shalt Not Judge

But sometimes you have to, right? No matter how open minded you are, when it comes to deciding who you will date, I think you have to set some boundaries. In some cases you can justify your judgments by saying "that person just isn't my type" but other times, I think its okay to admit that you're too good for some people. My question though is how narrow you can be in your preconceived standards with out being either a snob or a gold-digger.

I guess I should start by evaluating the reasons for dating. I think there are two main reasons to go out with someone; first because you enjoy spending time with them, and secondly, because you see a potential relationship. I can definitely have fun on a first or even a second date with someone who I don't see as boyfriend material. But I've had problems with not being good at ending these casual dating situations without doing uncasual things. So I recently decided that there's no reason for me to go out with people who I don't want to date. I don't like breaking up with people and the fun is usually outweighed by the awkwardness. I think the main reason I go out with people I wouldn't seriously date is not because I think it will be fun, but just for an ego boost. It feels good to have a person tell me they thought I was attractive and interesting enough to go out with even if I don't think they are attractive or interesting enough to really date. This probably qualifies as using people and is also a bit snobby, so I think its time I put an end to the practice.

But spending some awkward time with a person who I don't think is good enough for me, is not the only danger. I've also had the unfortunate experience of actually falling in love with a person who I could not ultimately respect as my equal. So in my quest to not go out with people unless I could see myself dating them, I've identified three key elements which must be present in order for me to give out my number. These elements are:

1. Good looks: Sadly, it matters. And even more disappointingly I've found that I don't become attracted to people just because I like them. So call me superficial, but unless you're good looking, I'm not interested.

2. Graduated (or approaching graduation) from a respectable university: I like smart people. And though there are plenty of intelligent people who didn't go to college, I also value education. A lot. In addition, I expect the people I talk to to have a working knowledge of literature, psychology, physical science, and history. Though there may be some exceptional people (I know of one) who have somehow acquired this knowledge without college, I'm not willing to take the chance. Be cool, stay in school.

3. Reasonable financially security: I don't expect to marry money. But I simply have no interest in a future of financial stress. I'm fine with taking care of myself, I'd be happy to continue to do so for the rest of my life. So if I decide to marry, its going to be because I want a family. And if I want to have kids, I'm going to want to spend time with them. I've thought a lot about it and I don't see anyway to raise my kids the way I want to without being a stay at home mom. Also, I think that one of the main factors in how enjoyable one finds motherhood to be, is whether you have enough money. Kids are a lot of fun when you can buy them cute clothes, take them fun places, and take plenty of breaks from them. So I need a man with a job. The amount of money he makes is actually less important than the stability of his job. An extremely well qualified candidate will have a 6-figure earning potential in a robust and growing field. However, a candidate can compensate for a slightly lower income with a particularly strong rating in either one of the other two major requirements or with greatness in one of the following secondary elements: sweetness, confidence, social competence, humor, general coolness, and possession of either great furniture or a motorcycle.

So is it too much to ask? I don't know, but for a long-term relationship I don't see myself compromising on these things. I'm really okay with being single. But at the same time, I wonder if I'm being stuck up. I genuinely feel bad when I make the decision not to go out with a person who has some good qualities but is lacking one or more of the major elements. It is my position that being harsh upfront saves both me and rejected suitors from what I see as the inevitable pain and awkwardness of a short-lived relationship. Imaginary readers: Please give me your feedback.

Like a Virgin - My First Post

Well! I'm not really sure why I just registered a blog name since I don't have friends who will be interested. But maybe the reason I don't have friends is that people shun me for not having a blog. And since my main aim in life is to avoid the shunning, I will jump on the band wagon.
Also I really like writing and maybe this will help me to be better at it.

As this is an inaugural post, I feel like I should say something profound, but that might mislead my imaginary audience into thinking that I will regularly write profoundly. This will not be the case. I plan to write about what I think about which includes (and this list is all inclusive) : sex, boys, movies, books, and general human interactions. I guess a good way to begin the blog would be to make a general statement about my recent thoughts on each of the topics that will be covered. Here we go.

Sex: I really like sex but lately I've been thinking about how it really is only good if you actually like the person with whom you are participating. It's just like going to dinner - even if the food's good, the experience is ruined if you don't like the company.

Boys: Its amazing how much more attractive a person becomes when you find out they might have a stable future. I met a guy at work who I totally wrote off because he was dressed as a cook. I then found out he's actually a manager trainee and as it turns out, completely out of my league.

Movies: The most recent movie I watched was Breach. It was not terribly interesting. The exciting part never happened.

Books: I listen to books on tape at work at the rate of 2-3 books a week. I just completed Dangerous Liaisons which was well written but not marvelously insightful. My main thought was that the book was surprisingly scandalous for being written in like 1782.

General Human Interaction: I like it!