New Post for the New Year

Happy New Year! New Years is one of my very favorite holidays. I love a fresh new year, it makes me feel like all the terrible mistakes I made last year are but a distant memory. I'm a huge goal-setter, so the opportunity to make a new list of things I won't accomplish, is always exciting. I've been writing my goals and recording my progress on them each New Year, for maybe 6 or 7 years, and the fun thing about the lists is how similar they are each year. I still want to lose weight, be a better student, a better friend, and a better person. But somehow, New Years inspires sincere faith that this is the year I will finally accomplish those things. I imagine that by the years end I will be 25lbs lighter, a recipient of some prestigious scholarship, everyone's favorite friend, and I'll have escaped translation, only for the benefit of my fellowman. Please wish me luck.

For Shana

I have a couple assignments I need to be doing right now, but they're not fun, so I thought I'd write a post. I'm trying to figure out a fun way for me to write about the silly boys in my life without saying things that I end up regretting. The thing about boys and me is that my opinions of them change dramatically and suddenly based on how I think they feel about me. I'm not proud of it, but its true. So anytime I write anything about them, I later think, "why'd I write that, that's not at all how I feel." So I guess its just not a good thing to write about. But I do feel safe in saying that I hung out with Adam last night(the guy who upset me lin "Not Sad Anymore"), and he's neither as shallow as I thought he might be, nor as fun as I thought. So he is interested in a real relationship eventually, but I don't think we really click. I think I'll hang out with him again though.
I think there should be strict dating behavior rules, that everybody is taught, so that I can just know how boys feel about me. Then I wouldn't have to change my mind about how I feel about them, because I would have just known how to feel from the beginning.

Happy Christmas Season

Thought I'd post a quick bit about what's up with me lately. I've been pretty busy with school the past couple weeks, and it will probably stay that way through the end of the semester. I need to write a paper on how the music of India has influenced American Pop Music. If anyone has examples, please share them. I hate writing papers. Hopefully I never have to write another after this one. I think that's a reasonable hope, given my major (Computer Science) but I need to figure out how to get one last gen ed requirement waived before I can be certain that I'm free from paper hell. Anyway, it's going to be a stressful couple of weeks, but I'm feeling really happy because it's Christmas time. It's such a fun, pretty, peaceful (in a way) month. So life is good.
As an update on the boy situation, I decided to definitely not get back together with Matt, and that never speaking to him was the right decision. But somehow, briefly entertaining the idea and discussing it with him has given me more closure on the relationship than ever before. I know for sure now that I don't want him in my life. At all. So I have a couple ideas for alternative sources of boy drama (a necessity in my life). I'll just have to wait and see if any of those sources are actually interested in me. Merry Christmas!

The Farthest Distance I've Ever Known

Like any functional person, I try to avoid seeing myself as a multiple-personality case. But sometimes this is hard. You see I have feelings about people and things that are completely inconsistent with my thoughts about those same people and things. So what happens is I end up fighting with myself and never coming to any conclusion about what I really want. Sometimes something feels wrong, but I think its right, and sometimes its that something feels really right, but my brain is sure its wrong. This type of self-conflict characterizes my feelings about the church, and about a certain well-known relationship. In general I'm a pretty logical person, so I think I've mostly chosen to listen to my head in the past. This post is an announcement that I am departing from that strategy. I'm going to really try to ignore some of my thoughts and just do what I feel right about. Please note that I'm not doing what feels good, or what seems fun, I'm doing what genuinely feels right. So if you disagree with my actions in regards to the relationship (as I assume anyone who knows the story would), please remember that this same course of action is the reason I go to church. And for now, I'm really happy with both decisions.

Not Sad Anymore

I'd like to update you all, that I am no longer feeling bad about my life. I had a dumb thing happen with a boy (he's pretty dumb), but we've worked it out and I think I've forgiven him (he's pretty cute). Other good stuff happened too, such as:

1. I am an amazing student. I hated school last time I went and didn't do all that well. For some reason, this semester is going great. I love my classes and my teachers and I'm doing very well.

2. I have great friends. They make me laugh and I love everything about them.

3. This is weird, but I'd like to give a shout out to my Bishop. He's fantastic. It makes a difference to have somebody care, and he does a great job of it. He's super patient with me, and gives perfect advice.

So I'm sorry that I wasn't able to have a little more perspective last week. Life really is good.

It's been so long!

Everyone has been telling that it's been way too long since I posted, and so I will disappoint my readers no longer. The thing is, that nothing is going on with me. I'm desperately bored. There's nothing worse to me than feeling like you have nothing to be excited about. Nothing's changed in my life, it's always been boring, but suddenly I feel like I can't take it anymore. So I'm going to try to become a more interesting person. I'm going to look into getting a new job (as a tutor), taking guitar lessons, moving out of my brother's house, maybe even dating someone. But for some reason, it all seems hard right now. I guess this post is just to make other people feel better about their own lives. Mine's pathetic.

Rescue Dawn

This past week I went to the movie Rescue Dawn and I would like to recommend it to everyone. It is in limited release, so if you want to wait until its on video, I will permit it. But if you're currently going through any life struggles, I'd say see it as soon as possible.

The movie is based on the real-life events of a man (Dieter Dengler) who was shot down over Laos in 1966 and subsequently held in a prison camp. The way he approaches this problem is really inspiring. Chances are that I will never be in a life or death situation where I am forced to use my ingenuity to find a way to escape, but if I was, I hope I would be like Dangler. And its very easy to see how the qualities of determination, craftiness, leadership, and just a will to survive, can transform any challenge into an opportunity to succeed.

Watching this movie inspired me to see problems not as situations to endure, but as prisons from which you can escape. You figure out how to fix things, you make a detailed plan, and then you keep trying until you're out. So what I'm saying is, go see Rescue Dawn.